《旅途脚印》自序——索达吉堪布

bodhi_walker

《旅途脚印》——索达吉堪布
Footprints on the Journey - The Diary of Khenpo Sodargye

自 序|Author's Foreword

总算是交稿了，我长长地舒了一口气。

At long last, I have finally completed this manuscript. I can’t help letting out a deep sigh of relief.

这本虎头蛇尾的日记，差一点胎死腹中，能有今天的诞生，真可谓一波三折。今天，这位幽居“深闺”待嫁近两年的“黄花闺女”，终于迈着“半老徐娘”的姗姗步子，羞羞答答地出来面见“公婆”了。但直到此刻，左右摇摆的念头还在大脑中盘旋，使我对是否最终付梓仍然犹豫不决。恐怕在若干年后，我真的会为今天的一念之差而后悔。

That this diary now makes its debut is not without twists and turns; after a good initial start it nearly didn’t make it. This bride-to-be “young maiden” has been hiding out for almost two years. It is only now that she, after nearly turning into a fading beauty, gingerly and bashfully, steps out to meet her future “parents-in-law”. But even at this moment, my mind is still vacillating. I can’t decide if I should have it printed. Many years from now, I am afraid, I may be plagued with regret over a decision made in a moment of weakness.

当初动笔写这些日记，是因为身居厦门，琐事鲜少，闲来之余，偶尔翻看金厄瓦罗珠坚参撰写的《开启修心门扉》，每每感慨良多：如此之清凉盛宴，如果私自独吞，实在是不合情理。不如每日从中摘录一些妙言佳句，与他人共同分享，这样就可起自他二利兼具的事半功倍之效，何乐而不为？

The genesis of this diary came from my reading of Opening the Door to the Mind: Training on the Graded Path to Enlightenment by Gyalwa Lodro Gyaltsen Palzang while I was staying in Xiamen. At that time I was free from trivial responsibilities and had the leisure to read and savor very much this wonderful teaching. But to hoard such a Dharma feast selfishly runs against my sense and sensibility. Why not select a few excellent passages daily from it and share them with others? It would benefit not only myself but also others. That is, one gets twice the results with half the effort. Why not go ahead with it?

日记的雏形就在这样的情况下形成了。但令人尴尬的是，后来我终于抵不住《门扉》的诱惑，将它彻头彻尾地翻译出来了。这样一来，日记中的很多内容，也就陷入了进退两难的境地。我曾尝试着去删改，但一来精力有限，二来懒惰懈怠，所以一直未能彻底付诸实施。

Thus the rudimentary form of this diary started to take shape. Yet serendipitously, I was so enthralled by Opening the Door to the Mind that I could not resist translating it from beginning to end. Having finished that, I ran into an awkward situation as to what to do with the bulk entries in my “diary.” I tried to resolve the dilemma by revising it, but never got the job done due to my indolence and limited vigor.

我为自己找到了一个冠冕堂皇的托词：我写日记的目的，主要是为了检点自己的行为，审视自己的思想，对自己的所作所为进行反思，以促我成长，策我精进，并不是为了博得别人的掌声和鲜花。既然如此，又何必过分注重形式上的完美呢？更何况，古人也云“温故而知新。”即使将这些内容重看一次，也有百利而无一害，又何必劳神费力地把它改得面目全非呢？有了这个自我开脱的借口，使我一下子轻松了许多。

I found some high-sounding justifications for myself: The purpose of my writing a diary is not for winning public applause or bouquets of flowers; rather, it is for reflection on my own conduct, thoughts, and everything I do, such that I could keep my efforts going and make progress. Why put so much emphasis on external perfections? What’s more, as the adage says: “Reviewing old material, one gains new insights;” by reviewing the entries once more, there shouldn’t be any harm but there could be many benefits. Why worry and toil over changing the diary beyond recognition? Armed with my own rational excuses, all of a sudden, I felt relieved.

虽然一开始，我将这本书命名为日记，但在日记所跨越的这段日子里，却并非每一天都能有感而发，有的时候因为太忙而灵感枯竭，就不得不日后还帐。但有时却心潮澎湃、心绪飞扬，纷纭的念头如同脱缰的野马，有限的篇幅根本无法控制住我一泻千里的思绪，我就趁此良机洋洋洒洒地将几天的任务一气呵成。

Although called a “Diary” in the beginning, the entries of this book were not necessarily made on a daily basis. Sometimes I had to make up for a few days’ content because of a stagnation of thoughts resulting from being overly busy. At other times my mind would bubble with ideas that rushed over me like pounding waves or the galloping of wild horses, and could not be contained on the pages. My pen, trying to keep up with the torrent of inspiration, would jot down in a flowing and bold style many days’ entries in one stretch.

动笔之初，因为时间充裕，几百字的篇幅根本不在话下，随心所欲之间便一挥而就，所以也感到踌躇满志、志在必得。但下半年回到学院后，我就被繁重而琐碎的杂事所缠绕，想从每天纷乱的头绪中整理出条理清晰的日记，个中艰辛，实在一笔难述。骑虎难下的我，时常被江郎才尽之感所逼迫。尤其是当我发现在漫长的一年中，居然还有一个闰十月时，惊恐得我几乎想扔下钟爱的笔。在道友的鼓励下，才不得不硬着头皮，艰难地往前跋涉。我仿佛被债主追得穷途末路的穷鬼，身不由己地四处狼狈逃窜，却怎么也逃不掉日日积累的债务。

In the early phase of this work, ample time allowed me to finish articles of a few hundred words quickly with seemingly little effort; this made me very confident and proud of myself. However, after returning to the Gar Five Sciences Buddhist Academy in the second half of the year, I was immediately ensnared by many heavy and trifling matters. My thoughts were jumbled; it became almost impossible for me to sort out clear thinking for even one diary entry. I can’t describe the frustrations over the feeling that my inspiration had dried up. It was like riding a tiger and I found it hard to dismount. What’s more, there was a leap month of October in that year, a realization that almost made me throw away my beloved pens, if not for the encouragement from many Dharma friends. Biting the bullet, I trudged on, but I felt like a destitute person being chased by creditors, running here and there to hide, but finding no way to flee from the ever growing pile of debt.

我没有精力再应付下去了，只有暂时搁笔。习惯于笔耕不缀的我，终于绞尽脑汁为自己的半途而废想到一个下台阶：在以后的某个不是很忙的下半年中，将未完成的日记补足，我甚至为将来的作品起好了名字——《730天中的365天》。但是，要想在我的有生之年中，找到一个不太忙的下半年，恐怕是难上其难的。所以，这个愿望也就一直未能实现。这本残缺的日记书稿，就在我的书柜底层沉睡了将近两年的时间。

I was just too exhausted to deal with it, and so had to leave it half done. Yet as someone with a strong affinity for writing, I managed to fabricate an excuse to get out of this embarrassing situation: At some point in the future, when not too busy in the second half of a year, I would catch up with the unfinished part of my diary. I even thought of a perfect title for my diary-to-come—365 Days Out of 730 Days. But in truth, finding a not-too-busy half-year in the rest of my life is almost out of the question. So my wish was never realized. This draft of my incomplete diary ended up at the bottom of the drawer, sinking into deep sleep for nearly two years.

直到2004年1月7日的那个寒冷冬日，三界导师、众生怙主——法王如意宝，忽然在我们措手不及之间离开了人世。每一位弟子，都一下子跌落在远甚于痛失亲人的悲恸之中。异常沉重的打击使脆弱的我几乎一蹶不振，无依无靠的失落感一次次地鞭打着我伤痛的心。直至荼毗仪式结束，空荡荡的心仍然没有着落。上师用刻骨铭心的现实，给我们上了一堂生动的无常课，使我更真切地体会到万法的无常。

Then, on a bitterly cold winter day—January 7th, 2004—the Master of the Three Worlds, the Protector of all beings and our most beloved Guru Wish Fulfilling Jewel, H.H. Jigme Phuntsok Rinpoche, left this world. Totally caught off guard by his sudden departure, every student was stricken with utter sorrow, grieving even more than when losing relatives. My frail body collapsed at this heavy blow, almost unable to recover; the sense of total loss whipped again and again on my already painful heart. Long after the Cremation Ceremony, I could find nothing to fill my hollow and blank mind. Our teacher chose to show us what impermanence is by this stark reality, which will be forever engraved in our bones and hearts. I was shaken and made keenly aware of the impermanence of all phenomena as never before.

“不能再等待了！”一个声音不断在耳边响起，扣击着我那颗几近麻木的心房，使做着长远打算的我，放弃了期待日记有朝一日能够完整的念头。我翻出了尘封已久的残稿，漫无目的地翻阅着。在这本日记中，也记载了一些上师的教言，在上师离去之后，更显得弥足珍贵。如果能早日与大家见面，或许能够帮助大家度过这段冰冷阴沉的日子。在没有足够的兴趣与心情的情况下，我只是将文字作了一个简单的校对，就让缺胳膊少腿的日记匆匆上路了。它究竟会遇到什么样的命运呢？我不禁为它的将来感到担忧。

“Wait no more!” This calling started ringing in my ear, tapping at my heart that had almost gone numb. It dawned on me that I could not keep on making long-term plans and waiting for one of these days to complete the diary. Retrieving the dust-covered draft and flipping through the pages, I was absent-minded until I caught sight of some teachings from our revered teacher in it. How lucky that I had written them down and how precious these entries seemed, now that our teacher had left us! If I could make the diary available soon, wouldn’t it help many of us to struggle through this chilly and dark period? Thus, without much fanfare, I made simple edits to my words and sent it off on the road hurriedly—incomplete as it was in many aspects. What would be the fate awaiting this diary? I cannot but worry about its future.

世间以笔杆为生的人如恒河沙数，这本寒碜的日记，从文字的角度来评价，赶不上普通的汉族，他们语言上的优势也足以让我自愧不如，更何况那些令我望尘莫及的大师们？它只能算得上是一名忠诚的记录者，象登流水帐一样地记录了我的心路历程，每天头脑中闪现的一丝丝念头，与平时生活相关的人和事，反映了一个普通佛教徒真实的思想、生活和感悟，没有前所未有的高见，没有深奥晦涩的理论，没有惊世骇俗的语言。它像一些零碎的音节，组成了一段接近自然但却并不辉煌的乐章，奏出了我在一年中所经历的风风雨雨、点点滴滴；它像一只普通的脚印，记载了我在茫茫无边的人生沙漠旷野中行进的一个真实片断。

Assessed from the viewpoint of writing, this humble little diary is nothing when lined up against the works of numerous professional authors in the world. As to the command of Chinese phraseology, I cannot compare with even an ordinary Han Chinese, let alone with those of great masters behind whom I could only be left in the dust. This diary, on all accounts, can only be qualified as a faithful recorder which takes glimpse after glimpse into the adventures of my mind; it faithfully reflects the thinking process, the everyday life, the perceptions, the daily encounters with the world and its people, of an ordinary Buddhist. Lacking any unprecedented idea, profound or complicated theory or shocking proclamation, this diary can only be likened to a plain musical movement. Spontaneously assembled from a few fragmentary pieces, it nonetheless plays out the vicissitudes, bit by bit, of my life throughout the year. Leaving marks on life’s vast desert plain, it is like the footprints that trace the actual passage of my time.

虽然我曾一再嘱咐他人，不应过分分心于外境，更无须搅入宗派之争，而应向内观心。但在这本日记中，除了一些老生常谈、鹦鹉学舌之外，也免不了对他人的评价与批判，事后发现，咄咄逼人的语言太多，自揭其短的内容却太少。书中所推荐的一些自以为殊胜的教言，虽然自己爱不释手，别人是否会生起同感也很难保证。

You may find in this diary, besides being commonplace or merely echoing others’ words, some of my judgmental views and criticisms of others. They contrast glaringly to my own advice to others, for example, to not become too distracted by the outer world, and to not get involved in sectarianism, turning only inward to the mind, and so on. What’s more, I also noticed the over-usage of aggressive statements and little mention of my own faults. Some of the quotes or teachings—my favorites—that I recommended with enthusiasm may not strike a chord in others.

每个修行人，在修行的旅途中都会有一些体悟，只是有的人喜欢将其深埋于心而已。正是别人的不愿声张，却给不甘寂寞的我，提供了一个王婆卖瓜的绝佳机会。《集学论》云：“譬如甘蔗坚硬皮中少有其味，人食皮已，无复能得甘蔗甜味，是故广说者如甘蔗皮。伎艺者住戏场中别说功勤自以为得。”我这个“自以为得”的“伎艺者”，却不听规劝，自不量力地将这个如同懒女人裹脚般的“甘蔗皮”奉献了出来。

For each practitioner, various experiences may arise while walking on the spiritual path. Some prefer to keep such experiences to themselves; their silence provides me with the exact opportunity to show off. Unwilling to be neglected, I am here prattling like a melon salesman extolling the sweetness of my fruit. In Compendium of Trainings, it says: “In the bark of sugarcane, there’s no sweetness, no matter how one chews on it. Should one teach Dharma without going through deep meditation, he is just like the bark of the sugar cane”, and: “It’s a fault to babble like an entertainer giving a show, it does not provide any service as you might have imagined, you may actually diminish your own merit” Here I, the “entertainer,” ignoring advice and overrating myself, present the lazy lady’s foot-wrap, or “sugarcane bark” of mine, as an offering.

还算是有自知之明的是，如果让我推荐自己的作品，那一定还是《大圆满前行引导文》或《入行论》。与圣者的智慧相比，凡夫的分别念实在不能与其相提并论。所以，诸位如果对此不感兴趣，尽管将其束之高阁，我实在不愿担当浪费别人时间的罪名。

Nonetheless, I do know my limitations. If you ask me to make recommendations about my own work, no doubt the translation and commentary on The Words of My Perfect Teacher and the commentary on A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life are at the top of the list. But how can the discursive thoughts of an ordinary person be compared to the wisdom of the supreme beings? So, if this diary does not interest you at all, please do not hesitate to leave it on the shelf. I really don’t want to take on the blame of wasting others’ time.

但是，在你修行的闲暇之中，如果能以翻看这本日记作为消遣方式，应该胜过世间那些以贪瞋痴为主题的娱乐形式。当然，如果能因这本书，而令你或你身边的人对三宝生起恭敬之情，对众生萌发悲悯之心，哪怕只是一刹那，我的一番心血也算是没有白费了。

On the other hand, should you like to read something leisurely during breaks of your practice, leafing through the pages of this diary may be more meaningful than spending time on worldly entertainment that caters to desire, hatred, and delusion. Furthermore, if this little book arouses in you or those around you even only momentarily the respect for the Three Jewels or compassion for sentient beings, all my hard work will have not been in vain.

我默默地发愿：如果这本日记是一道光，我不敢奢望这点寒光能与日月争辉，只希望它能在无月的夜晚，充当一颗不起眼的星星，为照亮幽冥的黑暗作出一丝微弱的贡献；如果这本日记是一点清凉，我不敢奢望它能成为横扫炎夏的秋风，只希望它能在酷热的夏日，充当一棵不知名的小树，给烦热难赖的人带来些许的凉意；如果这本日记是一剂药，我不敢奢望这副药能包医百病，只希望它能在人们心烦意乱的时刻，充当一支镇静剂，让一颗躁动疾驰的心有片刻的停驻。春归的大雁，请你告诉我，我的愿望能实现吗？

Here I am making these silent prayers:

Manifested as a beam of light this diary may be,
The wild wish for it to match the brilliance of the sun or the moon I do not have.
Only, like an inconspicuous little star in one moonless dark night,
May its feeble light shine in the gloomy darkness!

Manifested as cool comfort this diary may be,
The wild wish for it to sweep away summer heat as the autumn gale I do not have.
Only, like a nameless little tree on a sweltering hot day,
May its shade provide cool shelter for beings tormented by heat!

Manifested as a medicine this diary may be,
The wild wish for it to be a panacea to cure all diseases I do not have.
Only, like a soothing palliative for the jittery and the restless,
May it offer peace and comfort during a time of distraught!

Oh wild geese, high in the sky,
Flying back north in the spring
Could you please tell me:
Will my wishes ever come true?

谨以此书奉献给与我一同怀念大恩上师的道友们

I dedicate this book to all my Dharma friends who, like me, will forever remember our most revered Guru!

甲申年正月初三法王如意宝诞辰之日
索达吉恭书于喇荣

Written with reverence at Larung Gar Five Sciences Buddhist Academy
On the birthday of H.H. Khenchen Jigme Phuntsok Rinpoche
January 3rd, Year of JiaShen
Sodargye


（未完待续...）
To be continued...